the weekends of a small(er) town

So, what do we do now on the weekends?
Well, this weekend was packed, HOG rally and airshow. Also, a visit from Earl Campbell.
We watched some 2000+ Harleys make their way down the road. It was great.

Step2: Not my power

As we move forward, which is very key in our recovery process, we get to step number 2.
We believe there is a power greater than ourselves that can restore us to sanity.

Am I insane? Do my actions and behaviors reflect insanity? Well, if you are like me, sometimes we continue to do the same things, over and over, expecting different results. Sound familiar? Let's take parenting. Counting 1-2-... and then hoping the kids will stop before 3, does it work? No. How about that drink to calm the anger, does it work? The outbursts at others who ignore your work, or defy your wishes. Does it work? Last night in church, a man described hatred as a debilitating condition. He compared to me taking poison so that you would die. It is self-inflicting destruction. Insanity. And its this madness where we continue to rely on our own power to change our bad habits, our silly hangups and those things deep inside that really hurt.
Phil.2:13 "For it is God who works in us to will and act accordingly to his good purpose."
You may have heard that verse from Purpose Driven study, but the key in the verse is not "good purpose" but "GOD WHO WORKS". God is not there to give us the power to work according to his will or even act according to his will. He is the most valuable part of the equation to produce His good purpose. And in order for HIM to work, we must get out of the way. We must admit that our power is worthless, its powerless (we see from step1) and our power only produces more work for us. But it is when God is allowed to work in us, that we begin to see his will and those actions guided on his Good Purpose.
A silly analogy, takes me back to my computer days. Ok, it's not that long ago, but there was this skit on SNL called Nick Burns your computer guy. And he would come in the office, and begin "fixing" computers. (Yeah, this isn't the perfect analogy but...) Finally, after listening to all the mess the "user" had dumped on the computer, and the inability to describe why it won't work or how they tried to fix it but couldn't, Nick Burns yells "MOOOOOOOVVEEE!!!!"
If we would just get out of the way, God could lend his hand to our lives, and help fix us. We sit and sulk, and try to explain away what happened without admitting that it's because we are leaving out the most important component to Living His Will, and that's Him.

Hurts habits and hangups

This is how it is defined in Celebrate Recovery, those addictions, those compulsive behaviors, or anything that interferes in your relationship with the True friend and compass to all other relationships. First Colony church began its CR program last August, and I was honored to be a part of it, as well as a participant. I believe its biblical to admit, at some point or another, we need help. And who is able to help us more than the Jesus Christ. Our higher power.

So I've started a study in the Life Recovery Bible, that contains devotionals for each of the 12 steps as well as the 8 principles based upon the Beatitudes of Christ. Just your luck, I have a blog, and I'm going to share some of the study with you, so you can reflect on those hurts, habits or hangups that may be causing you to stumble.

Step 1: We admitted we are powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors and that our lives have become unmanageable. Rom 7:18 "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out". As I was reading over this step, and the verse that coincides with it, its easy to see why I can't do what is good. Because I am trying on my own. Those habits and hangups in life, that plague our walk, or put roadblocks and speedbumps in our way, all circle back to our effort, alone, to do what is good. By myself. It's tough to overcome that denial. We've all heard it before. But to look back, and recognize the mess that has happened, the lack of power to control any situation, should begin to help us refocus what may need to change. It's not that we don't want to do good, but it's the methods we are using to do good are derived solely on our own power.

Simply put, step 1... holy cow I'm a mess. What is going on? I try and try, but for some reason it just won't work the way I want it to. Now what?
Well, let's wait for Step 2.

My experience with traditionalism

So I mentioned a few weeks ago about what I encountered that led me to relate it to traditionalism. And here it is. In my inexperience of what tradition is and the definition of traditionalism, this may or may not be what you term or deem traditionalism.
The kids and I were driving home from the library, or lunch, or something downtown Abilene. We had just dropped off mom at work. As we approached a red light, it was just turning green. I was looking in the mirror at the kids, so I was not paying too much attention that I could begin speeding up. I believe it was 3 seconds after my light turned green that a lady crossed paths in front of me from my right. I was no where near the intersection yet, but the audacity of her to just run the red light was offending. I honked of course, and got the typical, traditional response... and kind wave saying, oh gee, I'm sorry, but I'm in a hurry I hope you understand. I could not believe it. She would have been better flipping me off, at least then her actions of driving would correspond with her driving abilities or inabilities. So how you ask does this relate to traditionalism?
So often we are going through life, doing things we have always done, or see other people doing. And at some point, the red light doesn't really mean stop. It doesn't even mean slow down, or yield. It just means, I do not have time to stop and allow others the respect to their turn. And when we totally just mess up, we think a little wave will make it alright.
Sin. Ooops, I messed up again. But who cares, sorry Lord, hope you understand that I just don't have time to stop now and change my direction of temptation. I'm so far in this, it's too late to slam on the brakes or to even slow down as I approach the red light. Our ears can no longer hear the Holy Spirit guide us to the open door, the out of the situation and the freedom from such actions leading to compulsive behaviors. Make sense? Do you see those red lights in life, and just assume God will understand you can't stop right now? And hopefully those folks who mean the most to you will understand your simple "I'm sorry" wave and allow you to move on in life, to not confront your situation or sin because of non-of-ya-bizness. It's the way us humans have acted for a long time, because we see others getting away with it.
But one of these days, this type of ignorance to the destruction of sin and habits will lead to an accident injuring more than just ourselves.

Do this in remembrance

One year ago today, Noah left this world, to be complete with Jesus in Heaven. This completeness however, seems to, at times, leave a void or emptiness in our lives. So how can this be right? How can it be good? How can pure joy cause such pain?
I was reading a scripture from Job, and it seemed to reflect some of the feelings, some of the words spoken, and definitely some of the thoughts over the last year.

Job 6:8-13 "Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant my hope. I wish he would crush me. I wish he would reach out his hand and kill me. At least I can take comfort in this: Despite the pain, I have not denied the words of the Holy One. But I do not have the strength to endure. I do not have a goal that encourages me to carry on. Do I have strength as hard as stone? Is my body made of bronze? No, I am utterly helpless, without any chance of success."

Definitely words written from a parent who lost a child, or a spouse who lost their partner and helper in life, or a man who has lost his way. No matter where you found yourself on this landmark day, May 11th, over the previous year, I imagine there were moments such as this, going through your mind. I know there were for me. And in all this mess, I see the hope. I can still hear the Holy One. This mystery of God becomes very tiresome and weary. Maybe I should stop trying to figure it out, and know that His word is Holy and His way is Holy, as He is Holy. Through the journey, the memories and the what-ifs of life, the product of our laments and sorrows is the promise of Hope with Him, through the providence hand of yesterday.

So what about the title? I was watching the Passion of the Christ the other night again, and it finally hit me why we "remember" those we lost. Over this last week, there have been many things in our extended family done to remember Noah, his parents and sister. To recall those few brief moments we had with him, the joy he brought, yet the pain that occured as well. There was hope in his life. And in Christ, we come together regularly to remember him. The life he lived, perfect and sin free, yet died. A death we will never have to encounter. One that tore the fabric of God in pieces as Christ became the very sin he did not possess. This pain I feel today, being without something I desire, is nothing compared to the loss of God in my spirit. But it is that gently, physical reminder, of the love Christ has for me. A feast of remberance. A celebration. Pain, but pure joy in His risen life, waiting for me.

Houston

We had our first trip back to Houston this weekend for an awards ceremony for Virgil and Caryl Fry. Of course, we had family to see too. ha. So here are some pics of the weekend. The kids loved spending the night with family that they never got to our other 5 yrs.
What? How was it? Did we miss it?
It was very weird, but to be honest, I was ready to get back home.
I'm hoping to have some blogging time tomorrow, or Thursday. So we'll discuss the "traditional" topic from a few days ago.
You think Jack's potty trained now? hahahahah. I love it.

Winds In His Hair

Happy Birthday Noah!
This little video, about 30mb in size, was something I wanted to do as a tribute for Noah's birth. As well as a way for me to remember. So honestly, it was just for me. This is one of the ways I grieve and reflect.
We went out and got a little bubble machine this last week, just for fun. But when the kids started playing, the first thing they thought of was how the bubbles were going to Noah. Just like Christ said, become a child, having their innocence and faith and trust, that we are as close to Heaven as a balloon or bubble soaring to the sky.
Oh, one thing I noticed... when the camera focuses above the house, there is a cloud shaped angel....

to Noah

(depending on speed and such, you may want to right click this link, and save to your computer to run. Just in case you can't hear the sound and such.)

#2

Not in reference to the previous post, but something we have been waiting for at least 4 days...
Jackson pooped on the potty. And it wasn't just any poop. Very impressive (haha) but sorry, no pictures.
Luckily, I bought a Scooby fishing pole, that was used as a reward.... and here is his picture of playing with it for about 30minutes tonight.
This was also a victory because we played out on the back porch, that is covered and screened in, while a storm began to brew. So he got used to the thunder and lightning. Wow, so much progress tonight.

Tribute Video

There are some things on my mind, that I needed to jot down real quick. And I know it's not good blogiquette (etiquette) to blog more than once a day, but since May1st was really last night at 11:30, this is ok. (note: spell check on the word "blog" is unrecognized, even on a blogsite.)

1st - I just created a tribute video for Noah's birthday, which is tomorrow. And I was dumb enough to include one of my favorite songs as background. So to say it's moving is an understatement. So check back....

2nd - I experienced traditionalism at its worst today driving home, I'd like to expand on that later.

3rd - Julie may be putting down some things about the birthday of Noah. Or she may not. But just so you know, check on the Noahblog.

4th - If you don't sit down to write out some of your feelings sometimes, it may be impossible to know where you stand on anything. I believe that's why prayer is so important, b/c we interact with a God who wants to hear about those things in our lives that are driving us crazy, bringing us joy and requesting assistance. Journal to God. He'd be glad to write something back on your heart.

steve

the Wings of Noah

A lot that has happened this last year. Any talk show or magazine would love to sit down and make a movie, or jot down some timelines. So, some of those of mine would include:
Ira's Birth 4/21/05
Noah's Birth 5/3/05
Noah's death. 5/11/05
Tate's birth 8/31/05
Career change 12/25/05
Internship 1/3/06
Move towns 3/25/06
New job, new school, new church ----

Well, those are just some landmarks in my life. I tried to include some of the kids and wife, but this last year has been filled with transition, loss, grief, mourning, and transition ... and disruption of normality. Wouldn't it be so nice if things went how we planned them to go. This is the biggest lesson I learned while interning at Lifeline Chaplaincy as a chaplain intern. One minute, you are taking kids all over town, running a business, paying bills, driving on trips, go to the doctor, and he ships you to Houston for months of chemo. So he hopes. Then you find out the chemo didn't work, need a place to stay, family is separated, there is no more normal of life. Then, just when you think it's all over, and you can't handle anymore... someone dies.
It brings out a good tech term coined in the compassnet days... life just gets horked up. And we just try to keep our head up, or at least above water.
And this last year, for me at least, has brought about such feelings of exhaustion, drowning in stress worry and loss, wandering aimlessly with no place to sit, seeking that creek to be refreshed but only finding dirt, being kicked in the gut after you trip over the rocks... how many freakin analogies can there be? But as the lament of the psalmist and others that precede me reflect, we see a resolution to some of those cycles of pain and struggle. Not necessarily an end, but a point at which we find our SOURCE of living water, and sit down to rest. So weary, and thirsty. And yet, so filled. If you bring this to its fruition, there will be more times we will get up to wander, and travel the road of life, and in order for that journey to continue and remain on course, we need that source of living water. We long for the hand on our shoulder to urge us forward. We desire that hug of acceptance and pride at the close of the day. And we need the clouds of the sky to point us higher as we wait for that day to Fly Away